STELLA PARIS
Q What was the first idea or moment you had to create Not What He Seems?
I wrote Not what he seems at the end of Summer 2024, when I realised I was still angry and affected by my experience with my ex. I had been listening to a lot of feminine rage music, like Paris Paloma and Kiki Rockwell at the time as I found them cathartic and empowering. I thought I need to let my own emotions out by writing a personal song about my experience of deception and abuse. The title is very accurate, as my ex partner was the true definition of a man who was not at all what he seemed to be.
Q The lyrics paint such a strong picture of emotional manipulation, was it inspired by personal experience or more a consideration of stories you’ve heard?
The lyrics are very personal and accurate to my own experiences. I wrote this song specifically about one ex. He not only deceived and manipulated me, but also those around him and society. In fact, he is now jailed for life due to this actions.
I unknowingly dated a murderer who was on the run from Interpol for over 16 years. I and others in Malta (where I’m originally from) knew him as Andrew Lamb. I later found out his family helped him escape Uk and buy a new identity, (complete with a passport)- which belonged to a permanent schizophrenic resident of a mental health hospital.
Andrew was initially very charming, had a great sense of humour, was an excellent cook and a motivated successful businessman. When we got together, he acted like I was his whole world, and I think for a moment I was. I thought I had hit the jackpot on all fronts, finally meeting a funny and successful person who also seemed to love me a lot.
But after a few months passed, the mask was off as he started unveiling his true colours and acting very strange. There was a lot of manipulation, gaslighting and abuse aimed towards me. Eventually, I left Malta for good and moved to London. I did not have any closure from that relationship and he made me think I was the one who ruined everything.
A few years later, I found out the horrific truth about him through the news bulletins. Interpol had caught up with him and I discovered his real name was Christopher Guest More, an ex BBC journalist who got too involved with a gang he was supposedly investigating undercover. He had murdered and tortured a man called Brian Waters in front of his family, including the man’s young daughter who was also assaulted.
There are no words to describe how I felt when I read the news stories. It was a huge shock! However; this led me to finally piece the puzzle together, get closure and realise he was truly a very bad person, not just a narcissist and egotistical alpha male. It deeply affected me as I could not believe I had lived for a year with someone as heartless and cruel to this extent. It also came to my realisation that I had lived with an extremely dangerous person, whom I had believed was “my protector” and “knight in shining armour”.
Q How did you end up with the line “his tongue, sharp as a knife”? It’s such a vivid image.
My ex used lots of strong language and verbal abuse towards me. It was mostly aimed at me to belittle me and humiliate me. His words felt like they are cutting through me like a knife.
I remember a situation very clearly, where I cooked for him, as he was doing some manual work around the house. He usually was the one who cooked for us as he took great pride in it. I remember putting a lot of love into the meal and was very proud once it was finished. It was a traditional Maltese dish- baked macaroni.
As we sat at the table, he refused to touch the food and said I was the worst cook ever. He laughed and said Gordon Ramsey would have a field day with me. As he grabbed the phone, muttering that I cannot do anything right, he ordered a take away for himself. I sat eating the meal on my own.
The next day my mum and friends tried the dish I had prepared and they all said it was delicious and perfectly made. They did not understand why he acted that way and they all said that it’s a red flag.
Several times, his words cut into me like a knife- abrupt, cold and unexpected. Everything I did- my cleaning, my driving, my choice of books etc was met with humiliation and denigration.
Q What kind of message were you trying to convey to listeners on this song?
I wanted to share my story through music. I also know a lot of people, especially females who go through abusive and narcissistic relationships. This is a cautionary tale for them. There are several messages within the song. The most important message is to NOT ignore the red flags. When we are in love we tend to only see the positives and forget all about the red flags, even though they’re screaming out at us to run.
The message however is not just a warning. It is also cathartic and empowering. We are stepping up and seeing the person for who they really are. It is the first step in leaving a toxic relationship.
Q The chorus is haunting but also empowering, how did you strike that balance?
The chorus is about what he wants you to see vs what he really is and is capable of.
The man is a contradiction of himself. He puts on a mask to win you over, but deep inside him there are hidden demons, which eventually cannot be contained.
Q Were you writing the song with someone in mind or was it more a combination of several persons and feelings?
Although I had previously been through other toxic experiences, I particular wrote this song with my ex, Christopher Guest More in mind. However, it applies to misogynistic men and tricksters. It is a feminine rage song.
Q You talk of red flags and blindfolded, what helped you “open your eyes” in real life?
Unfortunately, I think my eyes were truly open, years ago after we split up, when I learnt the awful truth from the news articles.
I left Christopher as he was becoming increasingly aggressive and verbally abusive. There was one morning, where he threw a hard boiled egg at me, complaining it was too runny. That was the last straw. I left and did not see him again after that. He sent all my belongings with our maid.
When we split up, we spoke several times on the phone and even discussed getting back together in the future when we are both in a better mental state.
I was younger then, and I was completely brainwashed by his clever manipulation that I was the one at fault.
Although the red flags screamed out, I allowed myself to stay blindfolded to the very end. I still feel frustration at my younger self for this. The song really helps me to deal with these emotions.
I really do not wish this to happen to other young women but unfortunately it is very common. I hope the song offers solace and a release to others going through a similar situation.
Q Why did you close with the literal, reiterated line “run away”? It’s so powerful and final.
Me and my ex’s story ended up with me running away from him. Towards the end, I was fearing for my life. I went as far as moving to another country and starting a new chapter.
Although the song is based on a true crime / romance story, there is also a fantasy aspect to it. Art is how I cope with things.
In the final part – as I wrote “run away” I imagine a lady clad in a long white dress, running into the forest escaping a castle at night, as the villain looks out of the window unable to catch her. She finally has her freedom and peace. That is me.
Q What do you hope this song accomplishes for people who might find themselves in a similar situation?
If they are in a similar situation, they might hear the song and resonate with the lyrics, which might jolt them back to reality and remove the “blindfold”.
I have received several messages and comments by listeners, saying the song helps them process a toxic past relationship. They find it haunting, yet empowering and cathartic.
Q Do you think that music can be used as a form of healing from emotional pain?
It definitely is one of the most important forms of healing for me. Writing music and listening to others’ has helped me a lot.
In fact, at the time me and my ex split up, the song Roar by Katy Perry gave me that solace and empowerment I needed to keep my head up and move on.
Q What were you feeling strongest while writing this, anger, sadness, courage?
I felt empowered, courageous, inspired and angry all at once. I don’t recall feeling particularly sad. I was definitely excited as the lyrics and melody came to me.
Q What lyric in the song is the most personal to you?
I think the most heartbreaking and vulnerable part is this bit-
There were red flags everywhere
But you chose to stay blindfolded
Like walking through a mine field
Till your heart into little stones exploded
Q Do you consider this song a turning point in your songwriting style?
Yes, it definitely is. It is very different from anything I have written so far.
I usually write about nature and frolicking in the forest or by the sea. It’s all very happy and spiritual.
I have come to terms with writing about anything I feel and wish to share, even if it’s a haunting dark subject or raw personal experiences.
Q Do you have any other songs that you’ve written that are so emotionally intense as this one?
Not What he Seems is the most emotionally intense song I have written and released so far.
I would say all my recent songs are somewhat emotional but not as much as this one.
To the Animals is emotional as it hopes for a better treatment of animals. It is written in honour of the animals who passed away due to greedy human actions. Although it is an activist song, it is not as dark as Meat is Murder by The Smiths. It still holds a jovial and peaceful vibe to it.
I’d say By the sea is emotional as I strive to escape depression and stress caused by the busy city life – wishing to be by the sea so it heals me and gives me peace.
My latest song, Starseeds is a peacefully emotional song, using light language in the chorus with a high falsetto. Cage Riot about Starseeds say “She’s trying to communicate something ineffable, to bridge emotion, energy, and sound in a way that reaches the listener below the surface. She’s not asking us to just hear her. She’s asking us to feel with her.”
Q If you were giving advice to someone just starting to deal with the reality of an abusive relationship, what would you say?
I would say- Leave. Run. Do not make excuses for the abuser.
I would also tell them to seek the help of professionals, such as a therapist to help with the mental health aspect & to give them the confidence to leave as well as a lawyer, depending on the situation.
I’d also recommend them to follow the stories of victims of abuse and anti- violence advocates – Anj Barker and Dr Ann O’Neill.
Anj Barker was 16 years old when she was brutally bashed to near death by a controlling ex-boyfriend. The attack left her in coma for 3 weeks and she suffered post traumatic amnesia for 8 months. The injuries left Anj Barker permanently speech and mobility- impaired.
Dr. Ann O’Neill completed a PhD in trauma and councils those who have suffered extreme trauma. She decided to help others, after her previously domestically abusive ex husband broke into her home and killed their two children. He acted in revenge after Dr Ann refused to get back with him.
I would mention my story and the stories of the women above to show them how bad it can get. I would tell them that a person never changes aggressive patterns, no matter how many times they tell you they will.
There is a better life after this abusive relationship. No this is not the best you can get. The person you met in the beginning was never real and he is not coming back. At this point you are just in love with the idea of what he could have been. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been with him a long time. Stop wasting more of your time.
And that you will meet a genuine someone who will treat you well, but in order for this to happen you must take this step first. Leave, love and respect yourself, heal and make space.
