KEVIN DRISCOLL
Q What inspired you to write “You Could Have Told Me”?
The song was written as my marriage was coming to an end. I had moved out and was just coming to realize all the signs I had missed or ignored or shrugged off or just didn’t want to acknowledge.
Q How important was honesty and communication in the relationship you were writing about?
I think honesty and communication are of paramount importance in any meaningful relationship. Overtime, though, if expectations aren’t met, resentments build and it gets more and more difficult to come to share, trust and reach agreement. Often times in such situations, neither party is aware of what they’re truly feeling, or what they are doing to exacerbate the problem and so they resort to a defensive posture.
Q How did it feel to be putting those feelings into words and music?
Strange as it may seem… terrific. I write primarily to release pent up frustrations, energy, emotions, etc.. My songwriting had really been on a hiatus until ‘You Could Have Told Me’ popped out. I’d just been keeping it all inside.
Q You talk about wanting someone who could hold you through the tough times—was that contrast drawn from real-life expectations?
Yeah, it took a long time for me to realize I was looking for a partnership, she was looking for a companion. While those things need not be mutually exclusive, in this case, they might as well have been. One of my most significant aha moments was realizing I wanted, expected something, a partnership if you will, that she hadn’t even considered. Partnership wasn’t one of her expectations or desires and I had been living believing that it was. I figured she wanted what I wanted. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case.
Q How do you think the expectation of unconditional love can complicate a relationship?
I think believing, expecting, that someone is going to love you unconditionally, regardless of what you do, is unrealistic (excepting parent-child relationships) and psychologically dangerous. Imagine being in a relationship where one person holds a lifetime ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ card where it doesn’t matter what is said or done.
Q Do you think your music is therapeutic for others going through similar emotional struggles?
Perhaps… that would be great if something I wrote helped someone else. It makes the struggle that much more meaningful. I write to address my own turmoil. If someone else relates and can use something I’ve written to help clarify something in their life, that is certainly a bonus to me. It would be nice to know I’ve helped someone else even if that wasn’t my intent.
Q The mention of reading “the writing on the wall” is so powerful—how long did you see those signs before?
I’d been seeing signs intermittently for years. Sometimes the frustrations would boil over and I’d get quite angry, but I wasn’t willing to give up on the relationship. So I pretended things would get better even though I didn’t have much evidence to go. Then one day he hit me; this isn’t where I need to be, and it isn’t ever going to be. So often we want it, expect it, to be different than it is but, it is what it is. Much more often than not, you aren’t going to change and the other party isn’t going to change. You either 1.) accept things as they are, 2.) continue to hope (foolishly I think) someone or both of you is going to change or 3.) you go your separate ways.
Q Were you trying to say something to anyone in particular with the lyrics?
Sure, I was talking to my former wife.
Q There’s a theme of responsibility in the song—how do you think relationships break down when that’s missing?
Here again, I had the expectation of partnership that we would always be there to help one another, through thick or thin. That was my approach to the relationship. She and the other hand felt “responsible” to be my companion, but not so much my partner, so she really wasn’t there to help me when I needed her to. That’s not a fault. It’s just how she thought of it. Unfortunately I wasn’t aware of, or didn’t want to contemplate, her point of view for many many years.
Q Was it difficult to examine your own role in the relationship while writing this?
Sure, it’s always difficult, to see yourself objectively. ‘You Could Have Told Me’ … it sounds like I am blaming her and I’m sure to some degree I was, but I am also well aware I had a significant part to play in the demise of the relationship. Looking back, I think she had been telling me for a long time what I didn’t want to hear and I ignored it thinking ‘that can’t be’, or ‘that can change’ or ‘I know we want the same things I just need to get her to see it’, something along those lines. In essence, I deceived myself. A female friend of mine… who doesn’t know my former wife, upon hearing the song said to me, ‘You could have listened’. That made me laugh. How true. Perhaps ‘You Could Have Listened’ will be the sequel.
Q How do you stay emotionally level-headed while writing about something so
personal?
… was I emotionally level headed, lol… hmm, it probably was the effect of time
Q The song’s emotional tone is melancholic but level-headed—was that a conscious balance?
The song was drafted at least a year into the separation and I had been talking to a therapist nearly every week over that time. I think ‘You Could Have Told Me’ is mostly my coming to grips with the fact that the relationship was over and no matter how hard I tried, I wasn’t going to be able to fix it. One of my positive attributes as well as one of my short-comings is thinking, I can fix most anything if I dedicate enough time and energy to it.
Q Do you think people do stay too long in relationships hoping things may change?
I think sometimes we delude ourselves into thinking the other person is going to change. That’s really not likely to happen. You aren’t gonna change either. I believed I could change her and it took a long, long time for me to realize that was foolishness. I do think when you make a commitment to someone you do all you can to keep that commitment. But at the end of the day, if you feel you need to fix someone in order to be happy or, if your differences are irreconcilable, it’s time to move on.
Q What would you say to someone who sees himself or herself in the lyrics of this
song?
Find a counselor, someone to talk to. It helps to talk it out, to have an objective listener. Back then I couldn’t see the forest through the trees. Frankly, I still haven’t fully moved on but at the same time, I’m in a much better place today than I was then.
Q How do you think your songwriting has evolved through experiences like this one?
The songwriting, which I am doing a lot more of these days, serves as a release, a catharsis of sorts. I’m getting better articulating what it is I want to say. That I think comes from making it a habit to write every day and to be as honest and authentic as I can.
Q Has releasing this song changed the way you feel about the past relationship now?
Yeah, I think so. I still very much care for her, that never changed, but I feel a lot more grounded as to where I am today. I’m not sure that’s because of the song, but writing it certainly helped me clarify where I was at at that point in my life.
Q What do you hope listeners take away from “You Could Have Told Me”?
Again, I don’t write so much for others, but yeah, if someone else finds solace in the song, or enjoys the groove, or finds redemption of some sort, etc. I am humbled I could play a part.
