DEAR PROVIDENCE
Q: What was the inspiration behind writing “Like a Saint”?
I was diagnosed with Functional Neurological Disorder and have been dealing with it since 2020. At the time of writing the song it had really taken a toll on my mental health. I had been working with a trauma therapist to see if it would help with my disorder and in the process I ended up healing a lot of old childhood wounds. It occurred to me that healing ourselves at this deep level is what real transformative spirituality looks like, but far too often we ignore those old wounds and project an appearance of “being good” or “being happy” in order to blend in, stay safe and survive. This was the main inspiration behind the song.
Q: Can you walk us through the process of how the song came to be?
The initial melody came to me in a dream. I woke up in the middle of the night and sang the melody into my phone. I was half asleep but the words I used were “like a saint”. I fell back asleep and forgot about it for some time. One day, I listened back to the recording and decided to write a song around it. It all happened very quickly. I recorded a demo for it but it felt like it was missing something. I ended up going back and adding in the “as a child you could see” section, which helped tie the song together.
Q: The lyrics of “Like a Saint” delve into themes of existential struggle and societal pressure. What personal experiences influenced these themes?
I’ve always been very philosophical and a deep thinker. The majority of my life I was looking for answers on the existential level. I really wanted to know the “truth” of reality and how to get to a place in myself where I could be truly happy and free from suffering. I could see in myself and others that there was a tendency to hide the truth, to hide our authentic feelings in order to maintain the status quo. I always felt a little resentful of that. After processing a lot of childhood trauma, I saw just how much society had pressured me into hiding my authentic self. I had gone nearly my whole life not actually being true to myself and just being who others wanted me to be.
Q: In the song, you talk about “cursing your ancestors for their mistakes.” Can you elaborate on what this means to you?
I feel like this line represents the tendency people have to find a scapegoat for their problems and their suffering. It’s much easier to blame those who came before us for the situation we now find ourselves in than to face the buried trauma and emotions we’ve been avoiding our whole lives. In order to truly heal and transform our lives, we have to do the work on ourselves to heal and break that cycle of suffering.
Q: There’s a powerful line about being “locked in a cage made of rage.” How did you come up with this metaphor, and what does it signify?
The lyric came to me very spontaneously but it really captured the way I felt. In trauma therapy I discovered that I was repressing my anger, and because I couldn’t express that side of myself I had difficulty speaking up, setting boundaries and truly showing up authentically. I felt like all that buried rage was keeping me stuck in this very limited way of being.
Q: The song reflects on the innocence of childhood versus the constraints of adulthood. How important is this theme to you?
This theme is very important to me. I feel as though in childhood, life had this very magical feeling to it that was lost as I grew up. As a child, everything just seemed to flow, nothing stuck, I would allow my emotions and then let them go. As I became an adult I started to hold onto things more, turn my emotions into identities and get stuck in these beliefs that made life feel very restless and dissatisfying. The song is pointing out that the innocence of childhood is still alive in us today. It is there, even through all the constraints of adulthood.
Q: The song ends with a satirical take on sainthood. What message were you hoping to communicate with these lines?
This was me letting my more cynical and bitter side express itself, turning sainthood into a typical, mechanical, bureaucratic process. These lines are saying “Hey, as long as you look the part and play the role without making too many waves, you’re in!” Basically just making a satirical statement on spiritual bypassing. Sonically, this section of the song represents a mental breakdown, an expression of all that buried rage. I wanted the song to sound like it was falling apart, the way I felt like I was falling apart.
Q: How has your own journey with faith or spirituality influenced your music, especially in “Like a Saint”?
I have always been very spiritual, even at a young age. I wanted to find this place that I called “the center of the universe”. To me, that meant a place that truly felt like home, a place where I belonged. I have bounced around from religion to religion, philosophy to philosophy, seeing the truth from all different viewpoints and angles. To me, they all point at the same existential truth, but from various perspectives and interpretations. My music itself is an exploration of spirituality, what it means to be human, to be free of suffering, to be self-actualized. When it comes to “Like a Saint”, writing and recording this song was me expressing an incredibly vulnerable side of myself. It actually felt dangerous to go there, but for me it was a chance to step out of the shadows and be completely authentic.
Q: What do you hope listeners take away from the song?
I hope listeners take away the message that we can’t wait for someone else to make our suffering go away. We can continue to ignore our unprocessed trauma and repressed emotions, but if we do we will be stuck in the same patterns of thought and behavior we learned in order to survive. Real freedom means going to those very dark and vulnerable places in ourselves in order to process and release them. Then we are able to see we are not the limited person we thought ourselves to be. We see that our potential is limitless.
Q: How do you approach writing lyrics that are both deeply personal and universally relatable?
I usually don’t put too much thought into the writing process. My writing is very stream of consciousness but a lot of what I’m experiencing personally goes into that writing unconsciously. It ends up being relatable because it’s coming from somewhere deep inside and from something that every one of us experiences on some level.
Q: What was the most challenging part of writing the lyrics for this song?
I didn’t really find these lyrics too challenging to write. They sort of just flowed out at the time of recording. Little lines here and there that were missing seemed to fall into place. I guess the most challenging thing for me was to explore that slightly more cynical side of myself. There’s something about the song that feels a little dark to me and I was hesitant to go there at first.
Q: Are there any particular lines or verses in “Like a Saint” that hold special meaning for you?
The line that is most significant to me is “as a child you received of its blessings, you needed no lessons on how to be saved”. It just really captures that time in my life before seeking, before struggling, before being drowned in suffering. I didn’t need to go to retreats, meditate, pray, or have therapy sessions. I was just being myself and I felt free. Thankfully, I have recaptured much of that freedom and joy through trauma therapy.
Q: Has your songwriting process evolved over time? If so, how?
I think it has evolved in that my music is much simpler now. In my early days of writing I was much more experimental and abstract but nowadays I enjoy writing simple melodic songs, with the occasional experimentation. I also don’t have nearly as much self consciousness around my music. I used to be very critical and it prevented me from sharing my songs for a long time. I’m very happy with my songwriting process now.
Q: Can you describe the moment you knew “Like a Saint” was complete and ready to be shared with the world?
I struggled a bit to get the mix just right and even now there are things I might change but one day I listened to it and it really resonated with me. I just felt that it captured exactly what I was feeling. After that I let the song sit for a bit until I showed it to my father and he told me he really loved it. He said he believed it could really go somewhere. That gave me the confidence to start sharing it.
Q: What has been the most memorable feedback you’ve received about “Like a Saint”?
I’ve received some feedback that the guitars sound out of tune which is probably true. Haha. I was in a very depressed state during the writing and recording so I doubt if I even checked to make sure my guitar was in tune. I don’t mind it though, I think it adds to the track and represents this strange place I was in mentally, like something is not quite right. I also received some feedback that the song is Beatlesque, which is an honor since I’ve always loved The Beatles.
Q: How do you hope to evolve as an artist in the coming years?
I hope to start creating and sharing my music more, to take more opportunities to present it to the world. I would love to create some music videos for the songs. My neurological disorder makes travel difficult but I would also love to start performing again. It would be great to find a record label as well and receive more financial backing for my projects.
Q: Are there any upcoming projects or songs that you’re particularly excited about?
I’m excited to finish up my next album. I’ve been working on it on and off for a couple of years now. I’m currently in the process of working on a song called “You Are an Alien” which I like a lot. I’m also gathering the funds to hire an animator to create a music video for one of my songs. I love animation so it will be a lot of fun to work with an animator.
