CHARLES EDISON
Q When did the time come when you knew you were ready to write Florence all those years on?
I don’t think I did know I was ready until I started writing it which sounds odd but there was no conscious decision to make the song. It started with the beat as it usually does with me. The lyrics in the sample reference heart break but the music isn’t downbeat and that was always the feel I wanted when/if I ever did write something about my Nan. I didn’t want to wallow in emotions like pity or grief.
Q Was it an awkward experience reliving those early childhood moments with your Nan when writing the song?
Not at all. I think there are more references to happy memories than sad ones. Things like the smell of my Nan’s kitchen, that’s not just one memory for me, it’s a thousand. Likewise when I talk about spending every summer with her. I think maybe because there are so many happy memories mentioned, it sort of softens the blow of the heavy stuff.
Q You mention regret throughout the lyrics — was it hard to find the balance right between conveying guilt and expressing love?
Absolutely, this was the hardest part of writing it. It’s something I really wanted to get right, I didn’t want it to be too sad but it still needed to have the weight it deserved. It’s funny, I don’t think I’ve really given myself credit for acheiving that balance because I haven’t thought about how hard it was until I’m asked questions like these! But, yes – there were A LOT of re-writes!
Q The line about forgetting her voice was especially powerful — was it an emotional high point for you?
No, because after that line, I talk about remembering other things that can’t be forgotten and little reminders like my neice’s smiles. It’s unlucky that I grew up during a time when we didn’t all have video cameras in our pockets in the form of smart phones so I don’t really have many videos – if any – of either of my grandparents really but I suppose the silver lining of that is it forces you to really engage with your memory.
Q There’s such vulnerability in the lyrics — did you ever think that it was too intimate to tell?
I think a different version of it would’ve been. If I had focussed completely on her illness and my reaction to it at the time, it would’ve felt exploitative. I had to touch on those things because it’s part of the story but I don’t think I give away anything too personal that she wouldn’t approve of.
Q Do you think having the song written actually helped you forgive yourself for being absent during her illness?
I think so. I did a lot of work around those feelings in rehab too and I think this was almost a good kind of ‘test’ as to whether or not I had actually let them go. Rehab was almost 9 years ago and I still battle with low self esteem, if I hadn’t truly forgiven myself then I don’t think I could’ve written the song. At least not the way it came out.
Q Was there one memory that came flooding back as you wrote that surprised you with its emotional power?
There were a couple of times during recording where I struggled to finish the end of the second verse – “Part of me is still that little boy who didn’t understand/ where his Mum had gone but didn’t mind because he had his Nan.” It just encompassed everything that I was trying to say and why she was so important to not only me but my family.
Q That final line of the song — your Nan’s words — is so powerful. Did you know even a little bit when you began writing that you would finish off the song with this line?
I wouldn’t say I wanted to end with it necessarily but I did want to get it in because it’s the perfect of example of how strong and resilient she was, as were a lot of women from her generation.
Q How did your experience of grief change as you were writing the lyrics?
It’s funny because the album title is a nod to this track and it has ended up being the best example of the overall theme which is gratitude, positivity and acceptance. I’m lucky enough to have not experienced grief too much through my life and whilst I’m obviously sad to have lost my Nan, ultimately my feelings now are of utmost gratitude that I had her and respect for everything she did for me.
Q Is this song a kind of delayed goodbye, or is it a conversation with her that goes on?
A bit of both. As I say in the song, I do sometimes say things out loud to kind of update her on my life which is something my Dad told me he does and I started doing too. I also mention in the song how I turned down the opportunity to do a eulogy at her funeral and I’ve always deeply regretted that because I could have said some lovely things. Hopefully this song does both – a fitting eulogy and an update on where/how I am.
Q Was writing Florence a different experience from writing other songs that you’ve composed?
Not really. For me, the beat usually comes first and will inform what kind of emotions I want to write about. I’ve never been the type of rapper who can just write without having a clear conept in mind for what I want the track to say. This was no different, I guess the only snag was the many rewrites to get the tone exactly right and avoid going too far down the maudlin route.
Q You paint such a vivid picture of her in smells and routines — do small things like this make it seem like you’re still close to her?
I think so. I also think it’s these things that people will relate to most. I spent so much time in her kitchen as a child over those summers, and as an adult that the smell I associate with it isn’t just one memory, it’s all of them.
Q What would you say to your younger self today, the one that couldn’t be present when your Nan was unwell?
Well, the tragedy of addiction is that I quite often think to myself “Man, if only I could’ve gotten clean a few years earlier…” but that wouldn’t have worked because it doesn’t work until you’ve hit absolute rock bottom and you’ve CHOSEN to get clean FOR YOU. It doesnt work if you’re forced into it, and it doesn’t work if you’re trying to do it for someone else. Because of this, I don’t think it could’ve happened any other way. Part of what led me to hit rock bottom was my absence during this time and the guilt and shame around it. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t absent for the entirety of my Nan’s illness but my sister was around a lot more so she has a lot of memories of these really tender moments she shared with her towards the end. Things I should’ve been there for too. I don’t know what I’d actually SAY to a younger me though…that’s a really tough question! Ultimately, I wouldn’t try to change his behaviour or convince him to get clean. I’d just say don’t worry. Things will be better one day.
Q How does music assist you in dealing with painful emotions such as those in Florence?
It helps contextualise things for sure. I’m a lot better at “sitting with” feelings now, mainly because I have no choice! The biggest misconception with addiction is that drugs cause it. An addict is an addict way before they ever touch a drink or drug. They use drugs because they cannot regulate emotions like “normal” people. Whether they feel happy or sad, they’re not comfortable so they use drugs to change those feelings. Obviously I can’t do that anymore so I have to think about WHY I feel the way I do in order to have any chance of changing it. It’s hard to do during every day life but it does make for better songwriting!
